Our First Homestudy Appointment

Tuesday came and I was on cloud 9, Joey came home two hours before the appointment to help me clean. If you have children you know (especially with 4 or more) if I clean upstairs, they bomb downstairs, if I clean downstairs they bomb upstairs, if I clean the bathroom..well you get the picture. Anyway, we cleaned the whole house and told the kids they better be good! Peggy the social worker walked right into the house after Joey opened the door, weird no hello just right in. She sits down at the table and we start talking, she asks our ages and about our marriage and current children. Then the big question why and who do you want to adopt. We proudly bring out the picture of "our" boys. She frowns and says "no way." What I don't think I heard you right? NO under no circumstances am I approving an adoption of children with fetal alcohol syndrome. We reply that the information say it is cautionary they have not been diagnosed with FAS. She doesn't care, she says I can get you a healthy domestic baby for $15,000. At this point I tune her out she is talking and talking but not listening. We don't want a healthy baby, we had four of those. We want an orphan, a child in need! My heart is in my stomach and then I kick into what Joey calls "mama bear" if she isn't going to help us get our boys I will find someone who will. After she leaves Joey and I get very little time to talk, the kids are hungry and it is almost bedtime. Joey was quiet, I think he was processing what we had heard I had moved on I wanted a new social worker. The next day we spoke on the phone and decided to tell Peggy we no longer wanted to use her as our social worker. I spoke with a few different people about the boys, however I heard similar things only said in a nicer way. With the possible diagnosis of FAS and the fact that there were two boys and the young ages of our children, it was not a good idea for us to adopt those boys. It is hard to know when to fight and when to give up and realize it is a closed door and not a test. Joey was way better at coming to grips with the boys were not "our boys" I was depressed for three days, I felt like I had had a miscarriage (and I don't say that flippantly, I have had a physical miscarriage) I mourned the loss and wondered how long I would think about them (I still do) One of the hardest parts was Isaiah learning we would not be adopting the boys, we had asked the kids a general "how do you guys feel about having a brother or sister not from mommy's tummy?" They were thrilled screaming with excitement and demanding 2 or 10 more:) Isaiah is more intuitive being the oldest and had seem me on the computer looking at the boys so he felt an attachment as well. He sobbed for a good while, explaining to me he felt he had broken his promise. He said he had promised God to be a good big brother and teach the boys about sports and legos and the very important Star Wars. I will admit for the week or two after this I was ready to quit, why are we doing this again? I have four beautiful children I just want to move on with my life. I couldn't I knew we were called to adopt and that fact would not leave me. I felt like God was silent, I heard nothing.  We were back at square one.....